E3

Well I dunno what to post about it. A few games announced. Just watch G4 and/or Spike TV right now.

Counter Strike Global Offensive Fake

I cannot believe that Valve (if it is them) has this website to supposedly give a participant a beta key for the Counter Strike Global Offensive Beta (durr). One word: survey. Are you effen kidding me?!?! These surveys are like taking an infinite loop test that even when saying, "Oh, Imma gonna play some tunes and truck on thru!" Forget it! After a 3 hour survey, you got to sign up for sum bullshit that will take your money. Nice move Valve! Real great job, jerks. their... (pauses to do actual research) Trolls. Damn it; you all got a live typing of getting trolled. That crap is not official. Here is the fake Facebook page and here is the real one. That's why this is my name, I derp a lot. At least I admit it.

Just be careful while your disparately looking for any type of beta key from "official giveaways", cuz chances are they are not. I wondered why only 4,000 people liked that impostor page, they were just like me and hopefully not many more people.

FAKE:

REAL:

Some obvious and some not, to the differences and the ability to see what is real and what is not. Make sure it is real. I derped so you don't have to. If you really want a key, just sign up at counterstrike.net and fill out the real, short, official, survey and wait. Pray to Gabe Newell, if it helps, but you know he wont answer.

Mass Effect 3 Multi

Old news, free pack, just look, May 29th.

Full story, I'm lazy, bye.

1000 views? Twatter and Viacebook

I don't know if you can put those on here or not so here:

*pause* Never thought I would say this, but Like me on Facebook and follow me on Twitter, yeah! Uhgg, okay, that's over here: Book on your face and Annoying blu burd.

1k views? Well I just know that was all me! Thank you creeps and weirdos for actually looking here. Soon I'll get a Hauppauge HD PVR Gaming Edition and do some video reviews, walkthroughs, and commentaries with an ostrich (just wait).

Lets Slow Down, Max Payne 3 Review

"I thought I was done. I thought I earned the right to drink myself to death after playing guns a bit too long. Piling up the bill in morgue a countless number of times. I think too much and here I go again for the last time."
-made up Max Payne quote by ME!

SLIDE ONE: The Past

The "Payne" (haha) started in 2001 with Remedy Entertainment's release of well, Max Payne. Although it was praised, it was not without it's faults. It had very fun gameplay, but lack some replay value. My wonder is how Remedy was able to get the rights to use Warner Bros. copyrighted "Bullet Time" in a video game. If you don't know what Bullet Time is; it's the cinema term for slow-mo. I can't believe they copyrighted that. Well, Gene Simmons copyright OJ for orange juice, so don't be surprised. The only real feasible faults were lack of multiplayer (not even basic local or LAN) and the average linear (Non-Mass Effect-ish) story-line with about 10-15 hours if play. Then after Max fell and rose; he, uh, fell again in 2003. Max Payne 2 was essentially the finished and best Mas Payne with vastly improved graphics, visuals, and, some would have said, a life-like game engine (back then). Still no multiplayer though. Max Payne developed it's legacy and then sadly a bad movie. This a time for games, not movies!

After all that fun, Remedy decided to move on and sold the lasting rights on Mr.Payne to Rockstar for further potential development. Why didn't Remedy make a new one? Well they were doing Alan Wake you herp-derps that don't pay attention. With a new development crew (a good, but buggy one) and new story, you got some whiners. I DON'T CAAAARRE! Don't play the game then, op, well, you got trolls too. Anyway, Rockstar wanted to try out their great talent for good story writing, that has impressed everyone in the past, on a game franchise that they hold dear. Before jumping into this review, I want to take a quick look at how this game (to) represents past of video games and how the future of will change.

RIP Paul Gray

SLIDE TWO: What did and does this mean for video games?

Games change, that's why Max Payne 3 looks different from the first two, why Call of Duty does not always need a gameplay change, and unnecessary changes like making a new Counter Strike game in stead of Half-Life 3 or Episode 3, whatever! The changes I mean are development changes. Turning an 8 month old project like the original Mortal Kombat (20 years old, congrats!) and using 10-50 for a dev team. They used to use a mod of a famous id or Unreal engine. This is all changing and Max Payne said, "It will change, the last gen games will better low budget and not nearly spent on as now". What dose this mean?

This means those less than one year projects may take 2+ years to even complete. So much more detail in everything will try to be immensely improved. It is my hope that much larger development teams will be formed and hopefully games will be worth the 100+ dollars they are said to cost next generation. Better and more immersion in everything: gameplay, multiplayer, story, characters, sound, art, graphics; and the list goes on! Games will be movie production size up to maybe hundreds of people working on one game. This is going to get big within a couple years people! Lets review this Movie Blockbuster Video Game!

SLIDE THREE: Golden guns? What are you doing here?

Lets look at what the least important, but amazing Payne this game has: the visuals. They are all extremely good. Everything is amazing looking. Rockstar always pays attention to a lot of world detail, art, and graphics. I can see why the Xbox version has to use two discs (lucky PS3 Blu-ray needs only one). The games makes you feel like your in the Brazilian cities, docks, and favelas. I know you guys don't need another cliched remark, but when it deserves, it is given. It's not like it looks so real it is indistinguishable from real-life, it looks pretty darn close. I mean, on Xbox this game rivals PS3 games like Uncharted 3 and MGS4. They made it that good looking. Detail in MP3 is so complex it is uncomfortable and amazing at the same time, it's unbelievable to anyone who has a basic knowledge of game development.

Is that it? NO! The art direction is also very great too. The design of nightclubs and shanty towns is unthinkable. The lighting looks from a huge big budget film warehouse with unreal, well, realism. They worked hard as if they knew they were going to make a third Max Payne a while ago. This game is well put together from first the art and graphics stand-point. Just wait for the writing this game has. Just, wait...

Dat view!

SLIDE FOUR: You mean I can dodge bullets?

Yes you can! You could before though. Okay let me level for a sec: this game didn't do it for me in the gameplay category. Sorry everyone; and I know what ruined it too. The Matrix games. They had the same kind of gameplay shooting and dodging, but those games had awesomely fun beat 'em up style Kung-Fu. I will say the gun play is way more fun that Gears of War, Call of Duty, and Battlefield though. The gameplay looks and feels much better than the previous games, but nothing new. You know, that's not always bad too, but for me-wait, shut up me, no biases idiot! The gameplay is fun as hell (I mean heaven) and there is no need to change it. Max Payne 3 is a good challenge to some who think it is too easy and for those others who just want to have good fun. Just because it does not change in ten years does not mean it is a bad game. That's to all you Call of Duty haters!

The games has your typical linear story-line and a long one at that. That's not the whole thing too. There's an arcade mode called A New York Minute that plays the same as Medal of Honor's Tier One Mode. The player needs to finish every level of the game within a certain time and the player can get certain bonuses for certain things to improve their score. The game also features really frickin hard difficulties to further the challenges and hence a nice single player replay value. Rockstar, of course tacked on multiplayer just like everyone else does now to further the game's replay value. I feel the gameplay in both single and multi-player is not the pinnacle reason why this game is so great and it's not the multiplayer either. That typical multiplayer is next.

Cue Rob Dougan's Clubbed to Death! (The Matrix Song)

SLIDE FIVE: The Rockstars next Redemption? Not really

Maybe in some recess of Max's mind he wanted to. Dan Houser; does he ring any bells? Well his name doesn't here he is. He is the master storyteller and writer of Rockstar games, with some help too. He was the main writer from GTA III to Red Dead Redemption, will be writing for GTA V and of course wrote Max Payne 3. I won't go into his writing at, but only this story in Max Payne 3. It's a good story, it is very suprising how this chacater has developed over time. Bitter and bitter and bitter; he is one darkly funny cynnical Payne to for anyone to deal with. First his family gets murdered, and then his new love gets killed. Now he just drinks himself stupid in Jersey; what a life. As he is about to get shot by the son of the mob thug, an old friend from the academy randomly walks in the bar and shoos and shoots out with the kid and mob. They leave to Brazil and Max just does not care.

You gotta love Max Payne, he is so awesome. He is the exact opposite of Nathan Drake except the same fact that they make some really bad ideas that somehow work. The other characters add the cinema quality and enemies add the shoot 'em up quality. The surprisingly great and intriguing story adds to the immersion in the game. The writing and story telling makes this game worth a buy to enjoy for hours and hours and hours and-okay I'll stop. I don't want to give it all away so just rent at least!

I hated New Jersey anyway.

SLIDE SIX: Another thumbtack on the board?

The big thing in triple A titles now is the "tacked-on" multiplayer. You can blame with trying to compete with COD. I don't get why so many games are at it, but I can't change that. Rockstar is k recently known for always having multiplayer to continue playing in. It would have been fun if they allowed co-op, one person as Max and one as Passos (he is the academy friend), but no go. Honestly (unbiased), it's a lot of fun, not as fleshed out as Red Dead Redemption, but very entertaining when you got nothing different to play. The new money system allows for a realistic feeling customization system. It features many different factions you are forced to play as, so make each character cool looking! The new gang system is cool, but why have it? Well like a Facebook group or something. Play with people with similar interests. They also added a kind of bullet time, where you can sweet jumps and somehow they made it so you can slow mo just a bit. Kudos on that guys! It is more like a staple on the bulletin board. Have fun!

BROS! (and broettes)

END SLIDE: Is the Payne worth it?

Maybe for a little while, unless you like the Payne. It's a great story and character driven game that imerses any type of action gamer and movie goer alike. It may not be as involved as a crime and corruption drama, it  is more for loving the characters and their struggles and triumphs through the past and present. This game is like one of those movies people really enjoyed in the theaters you never had time to see. Now after it's out on DVD, you just got to rent it or buy it and love it. It is that type of enjoyment you love as a rental and, if you need, buy it and love it forever.

Buy it, if you are a huge Max Payne fan and Rockstar fan. If your just interested, rent that thing and have your own look into it. Anyone would loved it. For the love of the Payne, endure the lasting story and challenge the difficulty that can present it self at your choosing. Max Payne 3 achieves 5 and half eggs.

I AM NOT TOO NICE!

Here comes the pain!

Next Re-voo

Max Payne 3, yeah that's the one. Old freakin image:

Trials Evolution Review

The intro songs in this game suck.

No quirky pre-intro.

WEEEEEEEEHHHA! *falls off bike and smashes head in ground*

[silence] 

Driver's License

We all remember the Trials flash game. Well you should! We all should have been doing homework those wonderful days Red Lynx took from us. Then a few games later, in 2009, Trails found a home with Microsoft Game Studios and of course, as an XBLA. Proves to anyone, that if you got a good game idea, get some poeple to make a crappy flash version and you'll be on a way to making lots a lots of mooney! 

Now this game, Trials Evolution, is what that great idea of a bike physics based puzzle-y game evolved into and has gained a large popularity. It is game for the budget-ly challenged and the challenge challenged (if that makes sense). I mean games that lack a challenge to people. Let us see if this game has evolved at all. 

Bronze Medal 

Well, to not surprise anyone, Trials Evolution is exactly like Trials HD, but with more different courses and mini games to play. Just finish the course in time with a few or no faults and you get a Bronze, Silver, Gold, or Platinum medal(s). Easy, medium, hard, and hrrgme, extreme. Diabolical is back n00bs! The mini games are very interesting and fun to play. The tracks are the same way; fun and cool. It gets very challenging toward the harder tracks, but nuthing anyone could have many times trying to improve and beat their friends and brag; no one really give a crud. Anyone will have lots of replaying time to enjoy and/or scream their lungs out on it.... like me. heh

Interestingly, this game gives you all medals after- un say you get a gold, you get the bronze and silver too. These then add up to a count that will unlock more tracks and bikes to play with. This game also features a monetary system that gives the player a certain amount of money for completing a track with a bonus for the 'top' medal earned (like Gold, not the ones < it). This "coin" can be used to purchase articles of clothing and useless, aesthetic bike parts. A definite change for this game series and it's not too over whelming or hard to understand. OOOhhhh yyyeeaaaahh!

The customization is a great way to like the guy your killing on the motorcycle. Maybe you'll a bit if empathy for the poor guy. They need to add a gender option, sorry ladies. 

Yay, IGN!

Silver Medal

Another company that thinks they can put multiplayer in the freakin game just because it's the "popular" thing to do now. THANK YOU Red Lynx! Yes multiplayer is quite the fun moto trial frenzy. Up to four players online and two local, mutiplayer is great way to show how much better you are at a game that others only play casually(I adtmit nothing!) or for the better players to better than you. The single-player game is not diluted at all to remedy the multiplayer. In fact, you need the entirety of the single-player game to play multiplayer because they use the same maps and new ones just for super-cross.

Oh yeah the game modes, okay. The first one is, well super-cross, and that's the only one played with four people at once. It is very distracting to look and see three other players kinda in your side view and to see them flipping and sucking is very amusing and irritating when you flip and fall too. The next one is just Trials from Easy to Medium difficulty. Three other player's ghosts are visible on your screen, which is distracting too, but easy maps to complete and may be a challenge competitively. Lastly, thar be the Hardcore Trials, which are Hard and Extreme courses. So, good luck on those. It is fun to think you'll beat a noob, but you wont. There's also a quick match that picks one the modes fastest to connect to. Three chambered Russian Roulette, if you will. Oh, and you can got to level up to level 6 (in multiplayer) to get the Hardcore matches. Just play a few.

Gold Medal

  

In Trials HD, the whole setting for each course was in a huge and infinity large warehouse. For the course maker/editor twas the same. In Evolution however, there is an entire almost Alan Wake-esque mountainous rural area that courses are in and the map editor's realm spans into creator imagination. The map creator is outstanding because it has greatly 'evolved' from the last title and because the options are vast and awesome. By the way, I suck at the map maker, but the things people come up with is astounding. You can see I writing about a game, not making one. Hence I can't do the map thingies.

You gotta play it to see the fun maps people make! Portal 2 (a good one) course, enough said. To me this mode is confusing to handle, but Red Lynx made it so easy to get anyone's maps. They have a menu option called 'Track Central' (another word to add) where the devs have some map picks, top downloads, top rated and so on. They also have a search, which is more like a browse with chosen parameters for a search and they give you a bunch of creations close to that. Plus you can type in a gamer-tag and get all of their creations. The gold medal this game gets is definitely for the course maker/editor/share-er. Did I mention that side scrolling is not only thing you can do?

I just saw this! \/

Platinum Medal

Trials has evolved for sure over the years. Where will it go next? It seems that the fun of Trials well never end and please don't. I dare say that the Trials series might become (if not already) Xbox's answer to Little Big Planet and that's still a while aways though, but look above! Anyone with an Xbox, get a Trial for this game and Evolve your game experience!

5 out 6 bails-I-I mean eggs.